The Flour Sack Project
by monkeybait
Summary: Foiling the plan and killing an evil ninja? No problem. Taking care of a child? Not so much no problem.
1. A Project of Sorts

**A story invented by my sister and me. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed creating it. This is only the first chapter, but this story is not going to be very long. I think.**

It was a normal day at the ninja academy. Sunny with the occasional cloud. Oh yeah, and Naruto was annoying everybody, as usual. And the fan girls were being fan girly. And the irrelevant characters were busy being irrelevant with the other irrelevant characters. And Sasuke and Naruto were playing tic-tac-toe for who got Sakura. Only Sasuke was purposefully losing. Yep, pretty normal. Yet though it would surely stay that way for the rest of the story, it will be slightly unnormal for you, reader, because you are probably not used to unnormal things being normal. But I digress.

Iruka stormed in with an angry look on his face that made everybody shut up and sit up straight. Only Naruto had just beat Sasuke at tic-tac-toe for the sixty third time and shouted, "Yes! I beat you! What a streak! You lose! Ha! Ha, ha!" and the like. Iruka was in no mood for this today.

"Naruto! Get off the ceiling!" he shouted. For what is tic-tac-toe if you're playing it right side up?

"What's got you down, Iruka-sensei?" Naruto asked, unhappily sitting in his chair. Sasuke stayed on the ceiling because Iruka hadn't told him to come down, not to mention, he was safe from the fan girls.

"I was so busy grading all your papers that I didn't get any sleep last night!" Iruka growled.

"But sensei, it usually makes you happy to grade our papers because you dish out so many F's," Sakura noted.

"Well, that and my cat was caterwauling all night," Iruka added. "But nonetheless, I want you guys out of my hair. So I'm going to give you a special assignment."

"Is it a ninja assignment?" Naruto said, standing up.

"Naruto! You interrupted me! I'm fed up with your over-exuberance! I'm going to give you a punishment!" Iruka shouted.

"Aw, what's it gonna be today? Are you going to make me write lines on the board or stand on my hands till all the blood drains out of my face?" Naruto asked, so used to these punishments that he had excellent finger strength.

"No. We're going to mix it up a little today with a nice book I bought." Iruka grinned, pulling a book out of his desk drawer titled Pioneer Classroom Punishments of the 17th Century. "Let's see… Naruto Uzamaki, your punishment is to stand against the wall with a bucket of Sunny D on your head!"

"But sensei, Sunny D wasn't around in the 1800's," Sakura stated in her usual smarty pants way.

"Yeah, even I knew that!" Naruto yelled, even though he had only known that since three seconds ago.

"Sakura, that's blatantly obvious. I'm merely saying we must make do with what we have." Iruka took a two-gallon container of Sunny D out from under the cabinet and filled it into a bucket.

"To the corner," Iruka instructed.

"Yeah, okay." Naruto did not trust the new punishment. But Naruto has trouble trusting anything new unless it's a new flavor of ramen or something.

"Your assignment is actually a requirement. Fortunately for all you idiots, it doesn't matter if you get an F as long as you keep trying," Iruka explained. "Also, all you nameless, irrelevant people aren't going to do the assignment at all. You're going to go home and continue to be irrelevant until you're needed later."

"Aww…" said all the irrelevant people as they filed out, knowing that none of them would ever become amazing ninjas or really anything important ever again.

"Okay, this is a partner project. The teams are supposed to be boy-girl, but since we lack in girls, some will be boy-boy. Your partners were chosen out of a hat at random."

"I don't care! Just tell us what the assignment is already!" Naruto shouted from his corner.

"I'm getting to that!" Iruka gritted his teeth and tried to calm himself.

"Dead cats… dead cats…" Kiba muttered like a mantra, the only one who remembered why Iruka was in such a bad mood in the first place.

"Ah, yes… Thank you, Kiba. As I was saying until _Naruto_ so _**rudely interrupted**_, your assignment is to take care of this." Iruka held up a flower sack.

"But… why that? What's so special about it?" Ino asked.

"Absolutely nothing. Yet. As soon as it is in the arms of you happy parents-"

"Parents?!" Hinata shrieked and fell over.

"Just leave her there," Iruka said, even though no one was making a movement to get her. "Yes, parents. Pretend parents. As soon as this flour sack is in your arms, it is your **baby**. You must treat it with kindness. Also, joining us today are some ninjas you may know: Team Guy, consisting of Lee, Tenten and Neji. They never got to do the assignment last year."

"We all had the flu!" Lee said, sticking up his index finger.

"Guy gave us food poisoning," Tenten stated flatly.

"I still wonder why I trusted him to be good at cooking," Neji mumbled bitterly.

"It was a simple mistake! Guy sensei was just trying to make dinner!" Rock Lee said in his beloved teacher's defense.

"It doesn't matter if they're both white! Mixing up flour and bleach is _not_ a simple mistake!" Neji and Tenten argued back.

"Shh, don't say that in front of the children," Shino… well, I don't really know what you'd call it. Well, I guess we'll say he spoke, but it was in such a demeaning and creepy way that it is indescribable. But because this chapter can only be so long, he spoke.

The utterance of Shino sent a shiver down everyone's spine.

"Continuing," Iruka said after he had collected himself, "I will call the name of your partner. You two will receive your flour sack and decide on the name. Then you will take care of your sack for the rest of the day. The person with their flour sack in the best condition will receive the best grade. Do not give up! If something happens to your flour sack, come back for a new one. It's better than not becoming a ninja. Any questions?"

"Oh! I have a question, sensei!" Naruto was waving his hand about rabidly; the Sunny D had long ago spilled over and he had snuck back to his desk.

"Yes, Naruto?" Iruka truly didn't care.

"Where do babies come from?" Naruto asked, an insidious grin on his face.

"I DON'T KNOW! ASK GUY!" Iruka shouted back.

"Oh, no. Don't ask Guy," Neji said, shaking his head back and forth, eyes wide.

"But he explains it so well!" Rock Lee said youthfully.

"Too well," Tenten said, her expression the same as Neji's.

"Alright, now your partners are as follows." Iruka picked up a list and cleared his throat. "The clearing the throat thing? That was just for emphasis. Alright, first: Naruto and Tenten."

"Who's that?" Naruto asked.

"Me." Tenten stared back at Naruto.

"Oh. I thought you left the show," Naruto said sincerely.

"I thought you were a walking traffic cone, but shows how much we know." Tenten and Naruto grinned almost maliciously, somehow knowing that their partnership was an interesting twist of fate.

"What will you call your flour sack?" Iruka asked them.

"Oh… a name, huh? It's gotta be good. Hmm…" Naruto stared at the ceiling.

"Nymphadora," Tenten answered.

"That name sucks!" Naruto growled.

"Yeah, well I'm reading the fifth Harry Potter right now," Tenten said with a shrug.

"Okay, next is: Hinata and Nej-"

"Nooooooooooo!" Hinata wailed. "No! No! Nooooooooooo!"

"What's the big deal, Hinata?" Neji asked, eyes narrowed.

Hinata, looked down, poking her index fingers together. "Well… I-"

"Ugh! You're such a push-over! Don't slouch like that! Sit up! Are you a ninja or aren't you? Look me in the eye when you speak_! And don't forget to breathe_!" Neji commanded.

"Yes, sir!" Hinata was having difficulty doing all three at once.

Iruka knew he had randomly chosen teams, but things were working out quite well. "And what do you want to name your child?"

Hinata started blushing noticeably. "Um… Naru-"

"Well, it's ridiculous to name something such as inferior and simple as a flour sack. Its name must be something easy to remember, something unimportant… We will call it 5!" Neji decided with vigor.

"Um… 5?" Hinata questioned.

Neji's eyes glinted. "Is there a problem with that?"  
"No, sir!" Hinata proceeded to sit up as straight as a yardstick, taking humongous and loud gulps of air to prove that she had, indeed, remembered to breathe.

"Now for the last of Group Guy: Lee and Sakura," Iruka announced.

"Aw, you're kidding." Sakura slammed her spacious forehead into the desk.

"We will have such a beautiful child!" Rock Lee's eyes lit up with his inner youth.

"Right… So, it's name?"

"Sasuke jr., of course!" Sakura squealed.

"You're naming a flour sack after me?" said Sasuke, for just because he was upside-down did not mean he wasn't paying attention.

"I name everything after you. It's what a fan girl does." Sakura nodded along with Ino.

"Okay, this chapter is almost four pages long, so you guys are going to have to cut down on the dialogue," Iruka explained. "Next: Ino and Shino. Oh. Your names rhyme. That's so perfect."

"Adorababy!" Ino shouted before Shino could get out a word.

"But I want to call it Adora_buggy_," Shino protested.

Ino stuck out her tongue. "Well, that's just too bad."

"Adorababy… right. Okay, now that no more girls are left in the class, here are our boy-boy groups. First, Choji and Kiba."

"Who's that?" Choji asked, his words cut up by bites of potato chips.

"Um, hi," Kiba said, waving at Choji from across the room.

"Whatever." Choji continued eating too much. "Our flour's name is Sacky."

"How original of you. Now, Shikamaru and Sasuke, you're partners. The last ones, I think," Iruka added.

Shikamaru and Sasuke stared at each other.

"Just to get this settled, I'm not mommy," Shikamaru said.

"You look more like a girl than me though," Sasuke insisted, for just because he was upside-down did not mean Shikamaru had any less hair.

"Okay, I don't care. What's the thing's name?" Iruka asked, getting impatient with how long this was taking.

"Ugly," Shikamaru said simply.

"You can't call Sasuke's baby Ugly! His baby's name should be something better!"

"Something Better… okay, nice name, Sasuke." Iruka wrote that down. "Alright. Everyone come get a flour sack and leave."

"Hey! Hey, Tenten!" Naruto shouted.

"Yeah?" Tenten said.

"My football popped," Naruto shouted.

Both grinned equally as an idea formed in their heads, staring at the flour sack child in a rather malicious way.

And so that is how their normal morning began.

**Chapter two is soon to come.**


	2. Unlikely Parents

**Um… hello! That's a hello just in case someone forgot to say it to you today!**

**There's these cute kids I baby-sit for who play Naruto video games. The five-year-old will come up to me and go, "Naruto! Hoo-kay-Ma-ki Garage!" and the two year old who goes, "I'm runnin' out of checker!" (checker instead of chakra). It's really quite adorable. But it's also strange to think that obsession can start so early… it reminds me of me as a child, only with Pokemon. At times it can seem creepy.**

**  
I'll cause you no more delay. Chapter two awaits!**

"Hi, Iruka," said Kakashi, walking into the deserted classroom. "I've got pizza."

"Hey, thanks, Kakashi, I'm really hungry." Iruka stood up.

Kakashi hugged the box to his chest. "I never said I was going to give you any!"

"Ugh… thanks…" Iruka growled, sitting back at his desk.

"Where's your class? Did you kill them?" Kakashi asked hopefully. He had yet to become a squad leader soon and he wasn't quite sure if he was looking forward to it or not.

"Of course they're not dead! I gave them an outside assignment because they were being annoying. Well, Naruto was," Iruka explained.

Suddenly, voices could be heard from the hall. Naruto and Tenten walked in, Naruto saying something along the lines of, "It went at 215 mph, I swear it did! And 740 feet!"

"Speak of the devil," Iruka mumbled.

"Our flour sack blew up," Tenten explained, but she looked rather gleeful. "Can we have another?"

"It's not a flour sack, it's a child. If your child dies, you wouldn't go up to a doctor and say "Can we have another one?" You're supposed to think of this assignment as if it was real life," Iruka sighed, handing them a new one.

Naruto looked at Tenten. "Its looks came from your side of the family, okay?"

"That's such a father thing to say. Too bad we're horrible parents," Tenten said. "These flour sacks are going to be great for kunai-throwing practice."

"No, Tenten, these_children_ are good for kunai-throwing practice," Naruto corrected, oblivious to how awful that sounded.

"What are you going to call this one?" Iruka asked.

"No! Not from Harry Potter! This one is Ichiraku!" Naruto shouted. "Wait, wait, no… If I destroy it, then I'll be sad… I know! Sasuke!"

"That's so heartless of you. But fine. Sasuke it is." Iruka wrote down the name with a number two next to it under Tenten and Naruto's names.

"You know, if you kick the flour sack, it's bound to break on impact," Kakashi stated dully.

"Hmm… that's odd. I did that to Konohamaru just yesterday and he was fine," Naruto wondered. "He got a couple of scratches, but they all disappeared in a matter of seconds. Well, see you later, Iruka!"

"He's one weird kid," Kakashi said after Tenten and Naruto had left. "At least I don't have to teach him."

"Kar-ma!" Iruka said in a sing-song voice.

A few seconds of silence drifted by. As un-awkward as they were, Iruka still thought he must break it somehow.

"So, if you're going to eat that pizza, you might as well do it," Iruka suggested, he too curious as to what exactly was under his mask.

Kakashi's eyes widened as he hugged the pizza closer. "Who said I was going to eat it?!"

"Ugh… yeah, okay…" Iruka turned away, making a mental note to book tickets for the Land Hidden in the Normal.

* * *

"Shino! Shino! Look at Adorababy!" Ino cooed, lifting up their flour sack. 

Shino blinked. "What did you do?"

"I made him look more like Sasuke! See? I've been saving this black, spiky wig in case our child got my hair instead of his," Ino explained, her heart spent on living the rest of her life with Sasuke. "And I got the blue shirt from Build-a-Bear and Shikamaru spray painted a fan onto it for me."

"I thought Adorababy was a girl," Shino said. "And why does _our_ child look like Sasuke?"

Ino made a face. "Don't say our child. That sounds so wrong. Especially when _you_ say it."

They settled Adorababy down onto a couch pillow.

"He is sort of cute," Ino muttered.

"I love him," said Shino.

Ino's first reaction was to step away, but then thought, what the heck? Why not embrace the entirety of the assignment while it's right in front of you?

"I'll get the tape recorder!" Ino squealed and danced off to capture moments of they're beloved flour sack being inanimate for them.

* * *

"Come on, Sasuke. Give me a hand here," Shikamaru growled, holding the flour sack baby. 

Sasuke sighed; he hated to be interrupted while he was watching Death Note. "What's there to do? I mean, it's just a flour sack. Leave it on the table."

"Come on, Sasuke. Didn't you hear the part where Iruka said he's installed a camera in every person's flour sack to see what they're doing?" Shikamaru asked matter-of-factly.

Sasuke raised an eyebrow. "Uh, he never said that."

"Oh. Well, he did. There's one right there, hidden in the O in Flour." Shikamaru pointed to it. Sasuke looked and certainly saw something.

"Aw, man… I guess he knows that jutsu that turns stuff into video cameras…" Sasuke growled.

So they actually decided to try, that is, after they learned that if you leave the flour sack alone, it starts blaring "GET TO WORK! GET TO WORK!" at intervals so loud that it's a good thing that they're ninjas or their ears would be bleeding.

* * *

"Okay. I'm the father. You're the mother. Start cooking dinner while I show 5 how to do work on the roof," Neji instructed in his usually military way. 

"B-But Neji, I don't know how to cook!" Hinata shrieked, blushing for no particular reason.

"Don't be so useless, Hinata! Show some backbone! Just make some toast. Come, 5, I have important things to show you." Neji, so certain that his man side was about to shine through so that he could teach his son how to fix things, climbed out the window and onto the fire escape up to the roof of the rental apartment room he stayed in whenever he didn't feel like being in the humongous Hyuga mansion.

"Neji!" Hinata shouted, putting on a pink frilly apron that she supposed was the sort of the thing a doting mother and wife would wear. "Neji, maybe you shouldn't take 5 up there! He's… She's… It's…" Hinata fretted for seven minutes about what to say, until Neji popped his head in the window, giving her a death glare and shouted, "Hinata! Just finish the sentence!"

"It'sdangerousforhimtobeupthere!" Hinata said all in one breath.

Neji rolled his eyes. "Oh please, Hinata, don't be so wary all the time. It's no wonder you can never land a boyfriend. No get back to cooking."

"Y… Yes, sir…"

Neji came back in a few minutes later.

"Hinata," he said through gritted teeth.

"What is it?" Hinata asked, fear thick in her voice.

Neji's eyes narrowed so far that Hinata had to tilt her head almost completely upside-down to see if they were actually still open. "Why didn't you tell me 5 would get hurt up there?"

Hinata blinked. "But… I _did_ tell you…"

"Good use of the italicize key! But no. You never said such a thing," Neji growled at her. "This is all your fault, Hinata! Now we must repeat the assignment. I suppose I can forgive you, though you're rather lucky."

Hinata's voice stuck in her throat. "E-Eh?"

"Come. We'd better go contact Iruka." Neji sighed end-of-the-world-ly-y.

* * *

All I can say in for Sakura and Rock Lee is that Rock Lee is wondering where he can find a green spandex suit custom made for babies.

* * *

The others… we'll get to them eventually. 

**Sorry for shortness, I was a bit rushed.**


	3. Iruka Really Aught to Get Paid

**It's been so long since an update… I'm sorry. I finally got in the mood to write. So here's chapter three.**

Iruka sighed, exasperated as he watched Naruto and Tenten come in, both thoroughly coated in flour and grinning broadly.

"We need a new flour sack," Tenten said merrily.

"Guys, this is your eleventh time visiting. I'm going to run out of floor sacks soon," Iruka responded sternly.

"Only eleven? I thought we'd be to at least to fifteen by now," Naruto sulked.

"Well, you have all day; I'm sure you can accomplish it," Iruka muttered sarcastically.

"Hey, you're right! Thanks, Iruka!" Naruto thumbs-upped him.

"Whatever. What's the name this time? And you can't name it anything with Sasuke, my name or killing," Iruka growled.

"Well that eliminates my choice. You go, Tenten," Naruto said.

"Okay… Albus Severus," Tenten decided.

"That's in the last book of Harry Potter," Kakashi said.

Tenten shrugged. "I read quickly, I guess."

"Albus Severus… Might as well have just said the worst name for a kid ever…" Iruka muttered to himself as he wrote it down. "Right. Will you guys _please_ try? I don't want to threaten you, but the money is going to have to start coming out of you guys because I'll need more flour sacks soon."

"Rats. We'll just have to keep taping it up then," Naruto said.

"Still, we can see our progress this way," Tenten added.

The two horrible parents frolicked away in glee.

"Is anyone taking this assignment seriously?" Iruka growled, thrusting his head down upon the table.

"Well, let's think of it this way: the words 'ninja' and 'parent' don't really sound so good together, do they?" Kakashi asked. (Seriously, shippers. Let's all think about that for a second.)

Iruka looked out the window, wondering if maybe he should have taken that job as a misuse when the offer was available.

* * *

"Hey, Sasuke, catch." 

Sasuke glanced up from_Bleach_ to see Shikamaru hefting their flour sack into the air. Before he could react, their dear Something Better hit the flour and exploded in a white cloud of death.

Coughing, Sasuke yelled, "And what was _that_ for, 'Mommy'?!"

"It got your attention, didn't it?" Shikamaru said flatly. "Besides, 'Daddy', you're not working very hard on this. 'Mommy' will divorce you if you don't try harder."

"You killed our child! I think I should sue 'Mommy'!" Sasuke shouted. He slapped himself on the forehead. "No. You're Shikamaru. And BTW, if I don't become a ninja, you'll become number 2 on my 'Things to Kill' list!"

"Who's number one?" Shikamaru asked, picking up the remnants of Something Better.

"A certain someone," Sasuke stated coldly.

"You mean Naruto?" he asked.

"… Sure," Sasuke answered.

"Okay. You just have to promise me you'll stop watching animes all day. Our child will start to hate you," Shikamaru scolded.

"You're taking this so seriously that it's scary."

"Shut up, 'Daddy'. We're going now." Shikamaru grabbed Sasuke by the ear and dragged him away, Sasuke muttering things about respect for the Uchiha and that he was the only person in the show that looked Japanese and the like.

* * *

Meanwhile, the only two people that cared about the assignment, Ino and Shino, were out taking Adorababy for a walk in a stroller they ordered from Skymall.

"Isn't he just precious?!" Ino cooed. "Shino, darling, take a picture of me snuggling Adorababy!"

"Okay," Shino said in his usual shuddersome way. "Say 'cheese'."

"Shino!" Ino snapped.

"What, pumpkin?" Shino asked.

Ino sighed and whispered, "Adorababy's _afraid_ of dairy products. Remember?"

"Oh, yes. I'm sorry," Shino stammered.

"Don't say it to me! Say it to Adorababy!" Ino held up their child, in complete Uchiha attire.

"Sorry… Adorababy…" Shino hugged the flour sack and began to cry. "Daddy's not trying hard enough! I'm so sorry! Please forgive your horrible father!"

"There, there. I know you're- HUYAAAAAAH!" Ino shrieked in a way similar to her name's meaning.

"What is it, I- EEEYAAAGH!" Shino gasped.

The two of them watched in complete and utter horror as Sakura and Rock Lee were taping their baby up with duct tape. At this point, it more resembled a rectangular mummy than a flour sack. Ino and Shino stood still, both equally appalled.

"Shino! Cover Adorababy's eyes!" Ino managed to squeak. Shino nodded and took a guess at where its eyes would be.

Sakura looked up. "Ino-pig! What are _you_ doing?"

"Don't call me that in front of the baby!" Ino shouted.

Sakura sweat-dropped. "Uh, whatever."

"Our baby, uh… we're just having a little trouble-" Lee started.

"No we're not! There's no trouble!" Sakura forced a grin, punching Lee into the dirt. "Little Sasuke is fine! R-Right, Lee?"

"Sakura, I can say our baby-"

"NOT OUR BABY! NOT OUR BABY! THERE IS NO OUR!" Sakura yelled.

Lee gulped and said, "Sakura, I've seen a dead squirrel before and even though he rotting and half-eaten, I don't think he even looked as bad as this."

"Thanks, Lee," Sakura muttered sarcastically.

"Ears! Ears too!" Ino commanded.

"I need more arms," Shino said, sacrificing his sunglasses to cover Adorababy's hypothetical eyes and putting his fingers where hypothetical ears would be. Finally, the picked up Adorababy and ran away.

* * *

"Next," Iruka said restlessly. People just kept coming, begging for a new flour sack. He was glad they all wanted to be ninjas, but he didn't want to go back to the grocery store and have the clerk ask him just how many cookies he was planning on baking again. And of course, Mizuki just happened to be there and he never heard the end of it after that. 

"Poor Iruka," Kakashi sympathized.

"You must know my pain, Mr. I-Want-To-Start-A-Relationship-With-A-Pizza," Iruka growled at him.

Kakashi sighed, stroking the crust of it. "Some people just don't understand…"

Choji and Kiba walked in. Kiba had his arms folded and a glare that that could rival the one Sasuke had the day after the fangirls straightened his hair and gave him a full head of braids while he was asleep.

"Choji turned Sacky into a batch of cupcakes," Kiba said through gritted teeth.

"Well, technically, Sacky is still alive," Choji argued. "Just in twenty-four pieces. And eighteen of those pieces are in my stomach."

"Well, you're doing better than Naruto and Tenten," Iruka said and tossed them a new sack. "What's this one?"

"Sacky 2," Kiba said. "Let's go."

"You guys suck! You can't be a little more creative?" Iruka shouted after them. But they had already left. With a defeated sigh, Iruka yelled into the hallway, "Next."

Neji walked forward, hands behind his back, a timid Hinata following.

"Hinata and Neji. There's a shocker," Iruka said sarcastically. Raising an eyebrow, he added, "Hinata, what are you doing?"

"Hinata drags her feet everywhere like a defeated puppy, so I told her she had to march for the rest of the day," Neji said. "Back straight! Head up! Stop looking at the floor!"

"Neji…! Can I stop now…?!" Hinata panted, lifting her legs up so high that they were creating a bruise on her chin.

"Not until you learn your lesson," Neji instructed. "Our next flour sack will be Four."

"You guys suck, too. At least Tenten and Naruto think about their names." Iruka slapped his forehead. "I can't believe I just said that. Four it is."

"Maybe _Hinata_ will learn to be more careful this time. Come, Hinata." Neji left the room, Hinata promenading after him.

"Next." Iruka was getting hoarse and sick of his job.

"Look, we tried really hard, but there's only so much tape in my house," Sakura defended, holding up the mummy-child, whose 'guts' we're leaking everywhere.

"It's my fault, Sakura. The washing machine is no place for a baby. I know that now," Rock Lee said.

"You had to experiment to learn that…? Never mind. Here's your new child, what's its name?" Iruka asked, mentally slapping the parents of these clearly confused preteens.

"Sasuke," Sakura said.

"Your child will think you love its dead sibling more if you name it after the other," Iruka explained.

"We won't tell it that there was another child," Lee said.

Iruka shook his head. "No. Another name."

"It's a good enough name to use thrice!" Sakura disagreed.

"Fine!" Iruka was on his last nerve. "Kakashi! Take over! I need to go to Jamba Juice." The distraught teacher walked out, grumbling under his breath about how his career smelled like the rotten eggs he threw at Mizuki this morning and that they had better have Mango Mantra or someone wouldn't get away with their life.

Kakashi took his place at Iruka's desk, enjoying the spinning chair and such.

"Enter," Kakashi said in a sinister way.

Shikamaru and Sasuke walked in.

"You're not Iruka," Sasuke said.

"Well, uber no duh," Kakashi stated flatly. "I'm taking over. I'm a friend of his."

"How do we know that?" Sasuke questioned.

"If you don't, then you'll fail the assignment." Kakashi laughed maniacally.

"Well, that logic works for me. Tell Iruka we're calling our next baby Sasuck," Shikamaru said, grabbing the next flour sack and traipsing off with it.

"I really hope that guy isn't my teacher," Sasuke muttered when they were out of earshot.

"Karma," Shikamaru said quickly.

"What?"

"I dunno."

So they walked off to complete the overnight portion of the assignment. Somewhere, a pink-haired woman squeezes a stress reliever ball until it liquefies as she cannot finish wrapping a present because there is no more tape.

**Can our ninja friend brave their first night with the flour sacks? Find out in chapter four!**


	4. A Subplot is Born

**Sorry I haven't updated in forever, but the creative juices just haven't been a flowin'. Following the ways and (somewhat the words) of Shigeru Miyamoto, a delayed story will only stay delayed for a while; a bad chapter is burned into your minds. So please enjoy the conclusion to Flour Sack!**

The phone rang. Sasuke glared at it, as if willing the phone to answer itself.

"Answer it," Shikamaru ordered, who was sitting on the floor and had given up halfway through knitting a sweater for their new flour sack, Sasuck.

Sasuke finally picked up the phone.

"This better not be a waste my life," he growled into it.

"Hi, Sasuke!" answered the ever-cheery voice of Ino.

"Who is this?" Sasuke shouted. He was in the middle of watching Samurai Deeper Kyo and he hated to be interrupted.

"It's me! Ino!" said the voice again.

"It's Ino," Shikamaru said, who was smart enough to figure out who it was.

"Who is Ino?" Sasuke asked.

"I'm in your class!" Ino was near tears.

"Oh. Pink hair?" he asked.

"No, that's Sakura! I have blonde hair!" Ino hoped he would remember now.

Sasuke ah-ha'd, "Ah-ha! You're that accursed Naruto!"

"No! I told you, I'm Ino!" Ino sputtered. "I'm having a little pow-wow at my house tonight for all the people doing the flour sack assignment! I know you wouldn't be so bad, but no one is taking this assignment seriously! I'm giving everyone lessons. Come on, other people will come if you do!"

"… Despite that, I'm not really into 'little pow wows'," Sasuke muttered. "Look, are you sure you aren't Naruto?"

Ino hung her head. "Yes! Last time I checked, I'm so not that loser!"

"Okay, okay. But I think I'll stay here." Sasuke hung up, forgetting the telephone manners his parent spent years teaching him (it wouldn't have taken so long, but they had to re-teach them after Itachi explained to Sasuke that it was polite to answer the phone by first belching loudly and then repeating every word the caller says, no matter how vulgar or profane).

* * *

"Hinata!" Neji yelled in his army-instructor voice. In response, Hinata snapped to attention, turning away from the pot of macaroni she was making.

"Four and I are going for a walk," Neji said. "We will be back in time for the macaroni. Unless something else stops us."

Neji went outside, holding the unfortunate Four upside-down, and pointing out various ninja things to him.

"That's a disgruntled teacher," said Neji, pointing to Iruka with his Mango Mantra. "That's a knife. That's a paper bomb. That's a shuriken. That's a –"

"Hey, you!" Ino shouted, running up, Shino trailing after her and holding Adorababy.

"What do you want, random person?" Neji asked, eyes narrowing as he scrutinized the interrupter.

"Hey, I'm having a party thing at my house for anyone who needs help raising their flour sack kids! Will you come- hey, your baby's upside-down," Ino offered.

Neji took one glance at Four. "As the father, I believe I would know if my child's head was truly facing the incorrect way."

"That's horrible!" Ino shrieked and Shino hugged her, Adorababy snuggly sandwiched between them.

"I best be off." Neji continued to walk.

"Whatever. He can't come because his hair is too long anyway," Ino decided.

"I should probably start taking my sunglasses off when I go to sleep," Shino told nobody in particular.

* * *

It was nine at night. Naruto and Ten-ten and their mummy-rific baby arrived at Ino's house. It was so tied up with tape at this point that it perfectly resembled a large volleyball.

Ino let out a strangled gasp when she answered the door. After one quick look, Shino went to the bathroom to see if his usually-hidden eyes were bleeding.

"Why don't you just put it out of its misery?" Ino said in a whisper of a voice.

"Because it's more fun to kick it like this," Naruto answered with a shrug.

Ino flawlessly fainted. Ten-Ten and Naruto shrugged and decided that it was okay to go inside.

"You have a nice house, Ino!" Naruto said, and by nice he meant there was plenty of space for him and Ten-Ten to hackey-sack their child about. Ino didn't say anything of course.

* * *

"We're so not going to Ino's party!" Sakura said, shaking her head.

"But we really need help, Sakura!" Rock Lee had done everything in his power to save sack Sasuke, but it was no good. "We don't know anything about taking care of our child!"

Sakura sighed. "Okay, but we can't tell her it fell in the garbage disposable."

"Well, I know that; she'd have a heart attack!" Rock Lee said with much gusto.

"Maybe we can tell her," Sakura said. Her future with Sasuke was at stake.

So the two of them wrapped the remainder of it several plastic bags and Lee's leg warmers and went off.

* * *

"I hate my life," Iruka muttered. He looked up at the bartender. "Give me another one."

The man shook his head. "No way! That's your fifth!"

"Give me another one!" Iruka roared.

"You wanna die from overdose? Fine!" He thrust yet another Capri Sun in Iruka's direction and Iruka stuffed the straw into it eagerly.

"Remember when they used to make real juice?" the bartender said.

Iruka blinked. "How old _are_ you?"

"Yeah, me neither." The bartender walked away to go do restaurant worker things.

"Hey, Iruka, what's eating you?" asked Kakashi, walking up to him.

"What do you think?" Iruka said. "My class never does anything!"

"Well, they'll learn their lessons tomorrow when you fail all of them. Problem solved," Kakashi said with a shrug.

Iruka finished the 'juice'. "Oh, they won't care. None of them will fail, remember?"

"Well… I guess you could go complain to the Hokage," Kakashi said.

"What would that do?"

"Actually, probably nothing," Kakashi stated. "But it would get that monkey off your back."

"That's a good idea! I'll get a psychologist! Thanks, Kakashi!" Iruka went ran away to find a psychologist.

"I wish I had a monkey for my back," Kakashi said aloud.

"I wish real juice existed," the bartender said.

(The last wish is a sign of the apocalypse)

* * *

"Hinata!" Neji shouted.

"Gaah!" Hinata had fallen asleep at the dinner table.

"Why do you have macaroni covering your face?" he asked sternly.

"Oh… I… I guess I f-fell asleep in it," Hinata mumbled.

"Look at my eyes when you speak!"

"Yes, sir!" Hinata shrieked. Then she looked at his empty arms. "Um… Neji… what happened to Four…? Do I want to know?"

"You should want to know! It's your fault, as usual!" her cousin yelled.

"Oh…!" Hinata gasped. "Um… why?"

"Well, I was showing Five how I use my Byakugan, so I set him down. Next thing I knew, a stampede of cattle came past and trampled him to death!"

Hinata blinked.

He shook his head. "Why, Hinata? Why?"

"I… um…" Hinata jabbed her index fingers together habitually, wondering what exactly she should say. "I… Neji…" She hesitated. "… You're right, I shouldn't have… uh… done whatever it is I shouldn't have done…"

Neji folded his arms and proceeded to eat. "Don't let it happen again."

"I'm going to go get a new floor sack." Hinata ran out the door. But she wasn't going to do what she said. She was going to find Naruto. This project had to wait, for a new subplot was developing and it had to be brought into the light.

Hinata had to get Naruto. And that meant getting rid of Ten-Ten.

**Update soon... hopefully. So much schoolwork! But summer is on the horizon!**


	5. This is the way every story should end

**Sorry it's been months since an update. That's… sad. I shouldn't do things like that, and I'm sick of making excuses, so just count on the fact that there's sometimes a good reason and sometimes not to ignore writing. Eh, whatever. Read the last chapter!!!**

"Ino? Ino? Are you alright?" Shino spoke. Ino opened her eyes slowly.

"AAAAGH!" she screamed flinching away.

"What? What is it?!" Shino looked around for any sign of danger coming to rip their beautiful Adorababy apart.

"Goodness, Shino! Your voice is like listening to someone polishing a battle axe with steel wool!" Ino laughed. "No offense."

"Oh… okay…" Shino answered, wondering if he should just be happy that no harm was coming to their child. "Well, you fainted after you saw the horrible way that Naruto and Tenten were treating their kid, so I forced them down onto the couch with my bugs."

"And… their baby?" Ino gulped, wringing her hands nervously.

Shino looked away. "It's… in the great pantry in the sky now."

"No!" Ino gasped, shaking her head dramatically.

"There was no help for it," said Shino, "it was too far gone."

"We have to make sure that doesn't happen to anyone else!" Ino shouted. "Shino, you open the door for me while I go lecture those two horrible parents on child abuse by using strong language and frivolous gestures!"

"Have fun, darling," Shino uttered and sat by the door waiting while he cuddled Adorababy.

Soon, Shikamaru and Sasuke came.

"I'm here against my will!" Sasuke grumbled.

"Okay," said Shino. "Hi, Shikamaru."

"Uh," Shikamaru grunted and threw Shino his coat.

"Nobody likes me," Shino muttered underneath the leather garment.

Shikamaru ate food at the buffet Ino had set out and watched Ino shout at Tenten and Naruto, who were paying attention against their free will.

"You hear that, Sasuke?" Shikamaru said. "That's how you should treat a baby."

"If that's true…" Sasuke muttered to himself, "if that's true, then I have several pictures of my dad holding me upside-down… Hmm…"

"It's okay," Shikamaru said, "my dad couldn't remember which gender wore dresses and I have about a million baby photos of me in plaid skirts and hair ribbons."

Sasuke poured himself some Coke Zero. "Is this why you have long hair?"

"No… Mom always wanted a girl…" Shikamaru growled. "Which may explain why we had so much of those girls clothes already."

There was a silent agreement between the two ninji that these stories wouldn't be repeated.

"… And that's why you never throw it. Now I'll explain why you never kick it," Ino continued.

Naruto and Tenten sighed. It was going to be a long, long night…

* * *

"Four," Neji said stiffly, "why will you not touch your macaroni?"

The flour sack's wrinkles seemed to imply a mischievous smile.

"I keep commanding you," Neji continued, "to eat your macaroni and still you have not touched it. You should understand how to eat it, so don't be a smart aleck. I even got Guy in here to show you with the puppets."

Exhausted from holding up its saggy frame, the bag flopped over onto the floor.

Neji sighed. "And where has Hinata gone? I've had to eat her food for her. She's been getting herself into trouble all day." Neji lifted Four up.

"Hey, Neji, how's tricks?" Guy said, thumping the ninja on the back heavily.

Neji straightened his headband that had been slightly tilted by the blow. "Four and I are fine. Despite your in-depth puppeteering of how to eat, I don't think that Four quite understands. Unless he is being difficult."

"I know how to deal with difficult children." Guy thrust a thumb at himself. "Just leave it to me, Hyuga boy!"

"Guy, Four is fragil-" Neji began, but Guy already had Four dangling over a balcony.

"Will you be obedient now?" Guy asked the sack. It wavered slightly in the breeze. "Hmm… not talking? Very well! Down you go!"

Guy released Four and down it flopped, its contents spilling disturbingly out onto the pavement. To Ino or Shino it would have looked like a horrible murder; to most passerby's, it just seemed that Guy was trying to teach his team another lesson about personal space or why you shouldn't take more than the recommended dose of Tylenol or something along those lines.

Neji came out, snarling and stuttering in his inability to finish a sentence.

"Neji, you sound like Bella Swan," Guy noted.

"Hinata! What have you done now?!" the long-haired boy exploded.

"Uh… I don't know, long-haired boy, but maybe you should ask Neji," said Guy, unable to make the connection about who had exploded.

"No matter," Neji spoke more calmly, "I'll just get a new one. I suppose this one can be 3 or 72."

"Okay, I'm going to have some baguettes." Guy skipped off to the kitchen.

* * *

"Let's see…" Ino looked at a checklist on her Blackberry. "Sasuke and Shikamaru are here, Naruto and Tenten, Sakura and Rock Lee-"

"Against her will!" Sakura shouted, even though she wasn't, she just didn't want anyone to think she had come over happily.

"It's for our baby's good, Sakura!" Rock Lee encouraged, now onto their third flour sack, Anastasia-Coco.

"… And Hinata, who's breathing funny." Ino raised an eyebrow. "Do you have asthma or something?"

"No… I'm fine…" Hinata choked out. She was waiting for the right moment to eliminate Tenten and her insanity was obvious.

"Okay, great!" Ino clapped. "Let me show you how to take care of your flour sacks so you'll all get good grades and won't be grounded for the rest of your lives. Ready? Okay, now watch me!"

While everyone watched Ino, no one notice Hinata slowly creeping in on the unsuspecting Tenten.

Slowly forward…

Breathing still heavy…

"Do you mind?" Tenten whispered to Hinata. "You're popping my bubble."

"Yes," Hinata said hypnotically, "yes, I am popping your bubble."

"I'm well aware," Tenten mumbled. "It's giving me the creeps."

Hinata grinned in a very un-Hinata way. "I read on your online blog that you have severe claustrophobia and ophthalmophobia and bathmophobia! So I'm sitting in your personal space bubble, staring at you, and sitting in a bathtub, until you give Naruto to me!"

"First off," said Tenten, "bathmophobia is not the fear of bathtubs. Secondly, you can have Naruto without sitting next to me and being a creeper."

"Really? Oh. I'm sorry!" Hinata poked her fingers together a few times and then ran off to sit next to Naruto since he couldn't move.

* * *

The next day, the class came back.

"Congratulations, class," said Iruka, calm now that he had his juice, "you all passed, most of your flour sacks (whether they were your first or twenty-first) came back in great condition thanks to Ino and Shino, I got my mango mantra from Jamba Juice and I learned that irrelevant people throw great parties! What did you guys learn?"

"Teaching your peers is fun!" Ino shouted.

"Hinata knows how to threaten people!" said Tenten.

"Children can't sleep in the knife drawer!" beamed Rock Lee.

"Ino is annoying!" Sakura grouched.

"Ramen has almost four hundred calories in it!" Naruto yelled.

"I'm never having a kid," Sasuke growled.

"I'm never marrying someone who watches anime all day," Shikamaru responded.

"It's all Hinata's fault." Neji shook his head.

"Violence is not the answer?" Hinata asked nervously.

"Choji makes really good cupcakes," Kiba said.

"Mfff mfkl mff!" Choji agreed, his mouth full of his child-filled dessert.

"Babies are innocent creatures that should be treated with gentleness lest they become horribly injured," Shino answered properly.

"None of you saw the point of the assignment!" Iruka shouted, ignoring Shino, who was still clutching Adorababy. "Oh well! Let's all go to Kakashi's Pizza Wedding!"

"Yay!" the ninjas shouted, and they all rushed away.

And to think, somewhere a child wishes their parents were secretly ninjas.

**Hoorah! It's done! Now you're going to have to excuse me, I have to go watch a famous shinobi get married to a pizza.**


End file.
